No, I’m not going to compare my current self with her. We are nothing alike now. I’m much more social than before. However, I want to make a comparison between her and my elementary self since at that time I had a serious social anxiety. I mean, I actually couldn’t bring myself to the counter of Mc Donalds and buy a happy meal. Yes I was that socially awkward. Well then, let’s compare ourselves.
1) Counters of embarrassment
Unlike Tomoko, I would not buy something if I didn’t have the guts to go to the counter. And if I was actually forced to go there, I’d only buy things that I know. I wouldn’t make up things like what Tomoko did when she buys that grandee cappuccino. But most of the time, I avoided buying stuff only for the sake of not going to the terrifying counter. If I really wanted to buy something, I’d rely on someone else, usually my parents or other times my cousins.
2) I didn’t have friends, I had cousins
Back in elementary school, I had no friends. No one actually talked with me much. Of course it was my fault. Whenever they tried to make a conversation with me, I’d give them one word answers and acted uninterested. Who wouldn’t be frustrated with that right? However, the ones that would always go out of their way to talk to me were my cousins. Some of them schooled the same school as me so they were the one who would always accompany me. Since I didn’t have any friends, I’d always hang out with them and only them. Yes I know I had a really bad social anxiety but hey, at least I was better than Tomoko. I actually had someone to hang out with.
3) Activities during leisure time
Tomoko always plays with her games or watch anime alone during her leisure time. I didn’t, not because I didn’t want to but because I simply didn’t have all those gadgets at that time. And so what did I do? Play outside with my neighbours. Most of my neighbours also happened to be my cousins so I was very comfortable talking and playing with them. The neighbourhood was my comfort zone so being there, I could really flesh out my social desires. This is the part where I was actually far more superior than Tomoko. At least, I had a place where I belong.
4) Phone calls… I couldn’t even call a friend!!!
Oh wait did I have any? Tomoko seems to be pretty confident when calling or texting with her best friend but I doubt she will talk that smoothly when talking to other people on the phone. I, however didn’t have a mobile phone and I didn’t really need it most of the time. But if I did needed to call someone… I wouldn’t because there’s always tomorrow where we could meet in class… which would be a struggle to talk to them but it’d be much easier than talking through the phone.
5) Desperation to be popular
I was not as desperate as Tomoko. I didn’t have the need to be popular, I didn’t need to socialize with girls to get their attention and I didn’t need to get out of my way to look good in other people’s eyes. Why? Because I didn’t want to. Unlike Tomoko, I didn’t want to be the centre of attention and until now, I still don’t want to. It’s such a hassle to put effort in becoming popular when you already know that whatever you’re planning, it’s not going to work. At least, that’s what my ‘simulation mind’ told me, so why bother going through all those cringy moments?
6) Bags under our eyes
I didn’t have bags under my eyes… I still don’t.
My social anxiety has gotten less serious over the years and I’m improving myself ever so slowly, but I am still socially awkward compared to the people around me. I know I need to work on that but at the same time I don’t want to push myself too hard. I’m not saying that my current self is good but I think I’m better than before. At the very least, I’m way better than Tomoko right?