Request: My Cousin’s Story


This time, I’m not the one writing this post. Well of course this very introduction is my writing but the story is not. Apparently, my older cousin wants some feedbacks from people for his story so he requested me to post his story in my blog. He wants to know what people think about his writing. I see no harm in posting it here so why not right? If you have something to critisize, comment below and let us know.  

At the moment, there is no title for this story yet. So here we go…

It was 3 o’clock in the morning when the phone started ringing in Detective Shay’s dark room, he reached out a hand very lazily to answer the phone and he answered it with a very sleepy and raspy tone.

“What is it?” Shay asked rather annoyed.

“Shay, its Ahmad, we have a murder at the alley way between Seven Eleven and Secret Resipi in Kampung Pencala” replied Officer Ahmad.

“Ok, I’m on my way…..” Shay said very sleepily.

Shay got out of his old yellowish bed reluctantly and got dressed, got into his car and made his way to Kampung Pencala, when he arrived, he parked his car and got out and then he was greeted by Officer Ahmad, who informed Shay of the situasion earlier.

“We have a John Doe’s dead body over there and its the worst murder I’ve ever seen so far” Said Officer Ahmad.

Shay made his way to the victim lead by Ahmad, Shay was shocked at what he saw, the victim’s torso was nailed to a wall while his lower body was ripped apart and scattered on the road of the alley way, Shay looked around and saw something very peculiar, the numbers 6046 were carved on the victim’s forhead, Shay felt a certain chill crawling up his spine, in all his years of being detective, he had never seen anything as gruesome as this.

“So Ahmad what clues have you guys found?” Shay asked while looking around at the crime scene if he could find any clues himself.

“Nothing so far, no strands of hair, no finger prints, but there are the numbers carved on the Doe’s forehead” Officer Ahmad said while pointing toward the victim’s forehead.

“Yeah i saw It. do you have any idea on what they could mean?” Shay asked Officer Ahmad.

“None so far, but if anything comes up, I’ll inform you straight away” he replied.

“Ok, thanks…” Shay said before he headed out of the alley and lit up a cigarette.

As he was smoking the numbers 6046 never left his mind, it was bothering him so much like an itche he couldn’t scratch, then suddenly Shay’s phone started ringing again.

“Hello” Shay answered while puffing out smoke from his mouth.

“Shay, come to the Dato Ramli’s house” replied Captain Nik.

“Why?” Shay Asked.

“You’ll see when you get here” said Captain Nik.

“Okey, I’ll be there in ten” Shay said as he threw his cigarette away and hung up the phone.

Shay got into his car again and drove to Dato Ramli’s house that was not to far from the first murder, Dato Ramli was a rich and influential person and very well known, when Shay reached the Dato’s house and opened the door he nearly puked at what he saw, the Dato and his family of 4 were nailed to chairs and sitted at the dinner table, their stomachs cut open and guts spilled out, theirs head cut off and put infront of them and their eyes gauged out and placed in their hands like marbles, Shay walked towards Captain Nik.

“Who on earth could have done such a thing?” Shay asked.

“No idea, we checked for clues but nothing, thats why i called you, i know you have a different case but i need you here” said Captain Nik.

“Its okey Captain I’ll see what i can find” Shay replied.

Shay looked around and searched the whole house for a clue, anything that could help him figure out what happened and then he saw it, at the corner of his eye under the Dato’s bed was a CD, Shay hurried to pick it up and when he did he was shocked to see the numbers 6046 written on it, this couldn’t be a coincidence he taught to himself, he put the CD into the Dato’s DVD player and watched it, nothing came out but static then slowly a picture started to appear, a picture of Shay and his 9 year old son and under it a massage saying “I’m watching you Shay, Enjoy my gifts to you” shaked by what he saw, he took out the CD from the DVD player and made his way out of Dato Ramli’s house, he felt suffocated, it was like there was something griping on his lungs and slowly crushing it, worried he got into his car and drove as fast as he could to his ex-wife’s house. When he arrived, he quickly got out of the car and started knocking the door frantically while yelling calling out for his ex-wife.

“SARAH!!!!! SARAH!!! OPEN DOOR!!!!!” said Shay worried.

*the door opens*

“What is it Shay? Its Six In The Morning if haven’t noticed” said Sarah annoyed with Shay.

“Where’s Adam??!!* Shay said while holding his Ex-Wife by the shoulders, his face pale as snow.

“His in his room sleeping of cause, why whats going on?” Sarah said looking into Shay’s eyes that where full with fear.

“Are you sure?” Shay asked.

“Yes I’m sure you can go check if you like” said Sarah confidently.

Shay ran to Adam’s room to make sure he was safe, followed by Sarah, Shay was relieved to see Adam sleeping soundly, he felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders.

“So mind telling me what all this is about?” asked Sarah.

Shay started explaining what happened at Dato Ramli’s house and what he saw, he told his ex-wife that she and adam will be under police protection from now on.

*An Hour Later*

Okay end! This is what he has written so far (or he just doesn’t want to share the rest of the story yet). So what do you think? Do you think it’s good or bad? If it’s bad, what improvement should he focus on? Huh? What do I think about his writing you ask? Well, umm… hmm… I think this introduction is pretty cliché. Unless he puts some twist later on, the story would be rather boring (Sorry my cousin…). Other than that, I think his writing skill is as good as mine if not better.

Anyway, just comment below if you have anything to say.

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